Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Grief



Alone...
Somehow I keep finding myself there
Somehow I keep finding myself here
Left to listen to the sound of the drips
as the drops make their way down my cheek
I know I’ve cried before
Just never like this...
Didn’t ever think I would be able to actually hear the sound of a teardrop…
That is until you were gone.
And I was, (we are) left to continue without you
How can I remember to breathe
knowing that a life I breathed into this world
I could never hear breathe again?
Funny thing about grief
and losing a life (that you gave)
you never really know how it feels
until it comes upon you
Must be what God felt that day when He gave up His Son.
Didn’t really want to know… It was just a thought, I said.
Wasn’t meant to be answered
Wasn’t given an option
Take it or leave it wasn’t presented before me
I would have definitely left it
But things happen
…The grass withers, the flowers fade…
…For what is life? It is just a vapor that appears for a little time and then quickly vanishes away.
It’s weird being in this place.
It’s not a feel good place.
Walking in this valley of the shadow of death.
Alone, but not so much.
You’re there... but not there.
You’re here. But not REALLY.
“I AM,” I hear. Just in a different space.
“But not MY space.” I answer.
So I take a deep breath and I breathe again with the life I have…
The life I have yet to give, remembering
“Oh, Lord teach us to number our days…”
And I tenderly pick up the pieces of my brokenness
...alone, but alive.
You are STILL ALIVE. You’re still alive!
You said so poetically.
I go on with this never-ending look of sadness in my eyes,
Wiping away involuntary tears that don’t seem to know how to stop running…
on the inside.
And I no longer ask God the question, why
But don’t hesitate to ask Him, when
…until I see you again.
As I sit alone, (but not lonely),
in this place called grief.


For my Joe.
From Mom.


Copyright ©2015 EvelynFannell 
All rights reserved.



Take Me Back


 Take me back, take me back dear Lord
To the place where I first received You.
Take me back, take me back dear Lord where I
first believed.

I feel that I'm so far from You Lord
But still I hear You calling me
Those simple things that I once knew,
Their memories are drawing me.

I must confess, Lord I've been blessed
But yet my soul's not satisfied.
Renew my faith, restore my joy
And dry my weeping eyes.

Sometimes you get lost on the road to life, to living.  You take a detour and end up someplace you have never been before.  Lots of things going on where you are.  People you are unfamiliar with, people that you have known or thought you did, who said that they will be there, always, only to leave you stranded as if you had a flat tire.    While others cling on to you as if you hold the keys to life itself.

The buildings are huge that surround you appearing as if they are mountains.  Streets become smaller, so much so that you feel like a pea in a pod as you try to navigate your way through them.  What once was familiar, has all of a sudden become strange territory.

And you are lost. 

Not knowing where to go, where to turn, but simply desiring to be there. 

Back to a place where roads were paved and if you hit a bump, at least you knew how to ride it. 
Back to a place where you recognize people for who they were and you kept them there as such. 
Back to a place where you could canvass the neighborhood with your eyes closed, as the laughter of children guided your every step. 
Back to a place where you may not have been comfortable with not knowing, but was certain you would know soon. 
Back to a mostly dry land and if it rained, you were yet able to keep your footing. 

You yearn to go back to a place of familiarity. A normal place.  A place of security, of knowing, of innocence.  Of believing.

Desperate to go back there, to where you were, you cry out for help.  A phone call, a text to a friend, a family member, and yet no one can seem to get you back there (or desires to).  Because back there, what you know, that road you were on, takes on a different form, and it doesn’t quite look the same.   To you or to them.

So you continue to cry out and yearn for that place, long to go back… not as you know it of course, but back to where you might have left Him, …left him… when you took the detour or the detour took you.  Presenting itself as a “you have no choice in the matter” exit.

Take me back, dear Lord, to the place where I first received You.
Take me back, to the place where I FIRST… believed.

I believe Lord.
Help me, my unbelief.
Help me to believe again.
Show me… show us, how to make our way back, wherever back may be in this journey You called life.


In the shadow of grief,
Sis. E

Copyright ©2016 EvelynFannell


“But He knows the way I take and after I have been tried, I shall come forth as pure gold.” (Job 23:10)

Friday, February 5, 2016

Grief IS NOT A Disease



























Grief is not a disease
If you go near it you’re not gonna “catch” anything.
Yeah, you may be forced to deal with some emotion
You may come face to face with some sadness
I suppose a little too much for your comfort
But I promise you, you won’t catch anything
It’s not like Chicken Pox
It’s not contagious
It’s not the common cold
Air-borne, and bound for anything in reach, breathing

Grief is not a disease
If you touch the person that’s grieving
It won’t happen to you
Simply because you reached out to them.
It’s non-transferable
I promise you, you won’t catch anything
It’s not a disease

Grief is the emotional outcome of a circumstance
An involuntary state of mind that one finds itself in
Resulting from the death of someone they loved
Someone that loved them
Knowing that for this time they will never be able to see them again
That there will never be another opportunity to eat with them
To say simple things like hello, good morning, good night…
I love you
Because the final farewell has been said
And they are no longer where they’ve always been
That’s what grief is
A yearning, a longing for what was and can no longer be
A deep sorrow beyond human explanation
And human touch
And no, you can’t catch it.
Yes, you might feel it.
And it might leave you feeling a certain type of way
Feeling lost, feeling a loss… for words.
But times that by about a million
And you might have a sense even if for a moment of how the one who is grieving feels

It’s not a disease
But it feels like one to them
Especially when they’re treated like it is
By those who stay miles and miles away
Keeping them at arm’s length… not wanting to get too close
Not even by phone

Grief is not a disease
It’s not a condition.  It’s not a disorder.
It’s not terminal. 
And I personally want you to know, you can’t catch it.
But even if you could, you won’t
…you’re not that close.


Copyright ©2016 EvelynFannell
All rights reserved.